Personal Review: Two Worlds

Developer: Reality Pump
Publishers: TopWare Interactive / SouthPeak Interactive
Released: May 2007
Genre: Action RPG / Open World
Rating: BBFC: 12 / ESRB: M / PEGI: 16+ / USK: 16

Two Worlds Don't Make a Right....
Wow. OK. Where can I even start with a game like this? I mean, yeah, I've heard the stories (who hasn't really), but I'm willing to give most games out there a chance. And with Two Worlds.........I'm sorry I did.

With whatever they call a story, you're put in the shoes of a mercenary who, a few months previous, lost his sister in a storm to some guy in black clad armor. For whatever reason. So you go around righting wrongs, defending the weak, etc etc. all the while looking for your long lost sister. So you're thrown into an open world that, for the most part looks decent. If it was on a last gen system. And even then, it'd be a launch title for said console. The more I look at this game, the more I keep getting this image of Todd Howard sitting on a throne of money, doing this dismissive gesture and saying "F*ck it, let the interns make our next game."

This is the poor, poor, very poor man's Oblivion. I mean, I got this game for next to nothing ($1.99) and I honestly feel like I just wasted two bucks. My only consolable thought is that I at least didn't buy this game new for sixty. I don't think I'd ever be able to live that decision down.



My Brain Hurts......

Audio/Musical Scores: Probably the music is the only redeeming thing in this entire game. But the dialogue? Pfft. Forget it. Expect to have to listen to a lot of Yea Verily's and Forsooth's. Along with a smattering of Pray Tell's added for good measure. All delivered by voice actors that were probably found on the street and asked if they wanted to earn an easy twenty. Just horrendous on every level.

Graphics/Visuals: Absolutely atrocious except for the water effects. That is the only positive thing I can think of that visually pops. Everything else is this grainy, futzed up looking mess. The body proportions on some NPC's just look off. It's like their bodies are too big for their heads. Like I said before, this is a game that you'd expect to be a launch title for the last gen systems, and even then it'd be one of those low tier titles you'd eventually get if you had nothing else left to play and just wanted to try something.....different. And by that, I mean if you wanted to try something different in a bad way, this is it. Two Worlds is your go-to title for suckage.

Difficulty: Non-existent. Mainly because when you die, you're just revived at the nearest shrine to try, try try again. Which, to me kills the tension. I mean, sure, I'm in a cave full of skeletons that are swarming me and smacking me around like a red-headed stepchild. But hey, I don't have to do anything to preserve my life, because I can just sit there and whittle their health down, die, rez back and keep going until they're all dead. Hooray for me. *yawn*

Controls: Standard, if not spectacular. Riding a horse though, you might as well try driving a tank over ice. Because that's what it feels like. Driving a tank over ice. While you're completely blitzed off your ass. In fact that's what I propose. IF (and that's a big if) you ever get that itch to play this game, play it inebriated. Because that's the only way this game is ever going to make sense to me. Or, for that matter, to you.

Overall Score: 1 out of 5.

Despite the one or two good things in this game, overall Two Worlds is just a mess. From the poor man's graphics, to the laughable dialogue and voice-acting, to the convoluted story (if there is a story, I don't know. I've yet to meet one). Stay away if you're sane. And even if you're insane (waves hand), peek only if you're that damned curious. Because what brain cells I have left are all pretty much comatose and borderline dead after playing this game. Abandon all hope (and reason) all ye who enter this disc into your console and hit the start button.

You've been warned.